God knows my deep desire to have someone whom I can love, hold and cherish forever, someone who’s gonna complete my world.
Last April 2014, I lost the most important person in my life- my mom. My world fell apart and my heart was shattered into pieces. That feeling of brokenness and incompleteness that made me so much desperate to make myself whole again. (Basag na basag.)
How to deal with life when you lost the most important person in your life? God knows how much I suffered. I got depressed. I lost direction. I lost reasons to live. The adjustments I have to embrace-- I have no choice but to accept all the changes that happened. To be honest-- it's the toughest thing I've encountered. All the motherless out there knows what I'm talking about. That pain that never goes away.
When Gelo proposed to marry me, I said YES with no hesitancy. I don't wanna make things complicated anymore. I will leave the past behind me- all the heartbreaks. I don't wanna get confused again what do I want to happen in my life. “Lalagay na ko sa tahimik. Ayoko na magkaroon ng maraming choices, ng maraming path na kailangan ko tingnan o pagpilian..” During that time, all I want is to be whole again. And I saw marriage as a base point to start all over again. Start all over again by building my own family.
It’s funny that when Gelo and I decided to get married, people think that the reason was I’m pregnant. I heard from a friend that people say it's too fast because we were only in a relationship for two years and it's less than a year since mom passed away. What they don't know was: the main reason why I decided to get married is to have children- to complete my life. One of my dreams in life is to have someone who will call me mommy. I see my mom as a super woman for the pure and unconditional love she provided us and I told myself someday I'm gonna be like her! And there it was-- a guy kneeling down in front of me asking me to marry him. Why not? He will make my dream come true.
I have PCOS with both ovaries. My greatest fear in life is not able to conceive. That's why after tying the knot, we already started trying. I was so desperate I switch OBY 3x. Haha. My 1st Oby doesn’t want me to take fertility pills, she asked me to wait until 1 year before considering this option. She advised me to have diet and exercise. 6 months trying and still hopeless. I decided to switch to my 2ndOby: a fertility doctor. I told her, I want to have a child already, so we had a deal. After my menstruation for the month of September, I will begin taking fertility pills and will monitor my ovulation by TransV. Yay :3 super excited.
For the first time after I get married, I became excited to have my period. Haha. Get used hoping to be delayed and find a positive result in pregnancy test. But this month, a different hope-- red alert days so that I can start with the Project Positive (PT).
But who would have thought that when I stopped begging God for a while, He will answers my prayer in the most unexpected time :) God's perfect timing <3
It's day 50 already and still my period was not coming. I'm usually 45 days cycle but this time was a bit late. Pregnancy didn't crossed my mind because my husband and I didn't plan for it this time. I didn't have any unusual symptoms except for brown spotting that lasted for 3 days. I thought my PCOS was attacking again. My acid reflux seems normal to me since I am H-Pylori Positive. No idea that I'm pregnant but to take precaution, I still took the pregnancy test before going to Medical City for my Annual Physical Examination (mandatory requirement of my company)— the result I saw was negative. What's new? I thought. I immediately throwed it in the trashcan after seeing a one line in the pregnancy kit. I didn't even waited for few minutes to have a second look.
“Ma’am are you sure you're not pregnant?” asked by the Nurse in Xray Department. "Yes sir. I took the pregnancy test this morning. I'm just having my irregular period again” I confidently answered. Chest XRAY: Inhale, hold, exhale. Done.
After a week, still no period. This bothered me, so it crossed my mind to try the massage to correct hormonal imbalance.. but before going to Pampanga I decided to take the pregnancy test again- for the last time. I still have one Pregnancy Test kit left in the house. I woke up super early. After writing my letter to Jesus, I immediately went to our Rest Room to take the pregnancy test. Uhmm.. Saw the line- only one line- again.. *Sigh* I was staring at the stick and whispered “God, how many more negative result do I have to get?". Then I put it in the box. Sadness started to attack me but there was something inside me that was pushing me to get the kit again.. And guess what? There was another line appeared. It was a faint line though.. “Dug..Dug..Dug..” My heart was beating fast.. and faster.. My husband was sleeping soundly, I decided not to wake him up.. First, I don't want to wake him up for something unsure. Second, it is in my list that when I become pregnant, I am going to prepare a surprise announcement for him.
Walk. Sit. Walk. Pause. Walk. Sit. I felt uneasy. What to do next? It's 6 am in the morning and no pharmacy near us was open. I didn't know where to buy another pregnancy test.
I texted someone I know who also got a positive result. We used the same brand of PT. I asked her to send me her PT result. I honestly don't know what accurate positive looks like. It's my first time to have two lines. I sent it first to her via viber.. She told me I'm pregnant. She also sent her result. It looks the same. “Oh my gosh! Am I really pregnant!Wahhh! So positive nga?” I can't believe it! Seems like a dream come true. And it was the most amazing feeling ever.
But got a mixed emotions.. On top of the happiness, here comes the countless worries.. The chest XRAY. I even take antibiotic lastAugust for my HPylori Treatment. And many more!
"Ano ba aiza! Kalma!”
I immediately took a bath then went to Makati Med to see my doctor. My 1st doctor was out of country, so I decided to go to my 2nd doctor, they didn't accept me first because Saturday is for those who scheduled an appointment for checkup but because I'm so desperate to know my status I begged to secretary and she allowed me if I can wait until the last patient. 1 and half hour waiting.. Can't wait any longer so I went to Maxicare again to switch doctor. After the long waiting game again, I went to the recommended doctor by Maxicare but unfortunately 20+ patients are already waiting for that doctor. So I decided to search for another doctor and to make it sure this time, I called up the clinic and inquired to secretary. She only have two patients waiting. Ohrayt! I went to maxicare again to switch doctor for the last time.
The doctor was not yet in the hospital so I still waited for almost an hour. I asked my self to calm down and be patient. I showed her the PT and then she congratulated me. But when I told her I took an Xray last week, she asked me to take the trans V to know the progress of the baby.. I felt a lil bit nervous, scared and worried.
During the ultrasound, there was a little sac. Super small about 4 weeks. Everything was normal but we still need to repeat the ultrasound after two weeks to know if there will be a good progress in the baby.
I thank God for that moment. it's the most wonderful thing I've seen in my whole life. That little sac in my womb~ my greatest blessing. :')
Finally~ got a positive result. yay :3 God is good all the time.
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| Baby #1 @ 4 Weeks |
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| First Ultrasound Result :) |
~~ To be continued.
Next blog: Surprise! Congrats Daddy Gelo! :) – his reaction is priceless *laughs*
